Weapons on Maths Instruction

At New York's Kennedy airport yesterday, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board an American Airlines flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a press conference this morning, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is to be charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"al-Gebra is a dangerous cult with square roots in our communities," Gonzales said, "who seek solutions by means, medians and averages, while sometimes going off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' while their leadership is referred to as the 'unknowns'. The FBI have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country."

The Gonzales press release added that "there are 3 sides to every triangle, as the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say. But with right on our side and an acute awareness of the danger, no lead will be too obtuse to escape our notice as we cover all angles in this investigation.”.

Commenting on the arrest, President Bush congratulated the FBI and added "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."