Bring on the Chat Chopper

RTE's Morning Ireland recently had a couple of experts discussing societal/technology trends over the next 15-25 years, including one who was described as BT's "Futurologist" (I recall that some American company had a guy whose title was "Chief Imagineer" - brilliant).

The futurologist explained that BT are working on advanced new chips which will add sensory feeling to a phone call. BT believes they are on track to develop technology which can interact with the nerve endings of the phone users so that they will be able to experience the sensations of, say, a handshake or a hug. He expounded on how good this would be for older people talking to family members who were away from home etc..

All I could think of was that this will be the phone as a lie-detector, betraying all your baser feelings - insincerity, contempt, fear etc. and exposing all those little white lies you tell about prior commitments when someone invites you to some activity or other. It will destroy entire business empires if the ability to tell a lie by phone - to colleagues, customers or competitors - is interfered with.

Anyway, I've written to BT asking them to abandon this nonsense and concentrate instead on some really useful innovations like the Mollox Chat-Chopper © . This cunning option will be fitted as standard to all mobile phones issued to women and children. Very simply, it automatically cuts off any call after 15 minutes and prevents the same number from being re-dialled for 24-hours.

The Chat-Chopper © will not only save money, but will also aid marriages and relationships in general. Because it will teach women and children to be more considered and concise in conversation, it will make living with them a less bothersome task for men, who generally prefer to watch sport on tv without interruption.

Who knows, it may also help to finally remove nature's barrier to women becoming historians.

It is widely acknowledged that the reason there are no famous female historians is because it usually takes a woman longer to relate the story than it took the actual events to occur.